The Norgenchewer

In olden days the Norgenchewer was a unfeasibly attractive hunter who turned into a magical man-faced golden lion with an enchanted scorpion tail. Now he travels through time via sizzling pink portals, leaving gifts, kicking ass and occasionally eating children.

Some say he looks like Johnny Depp but this has yet to be confirmed. The Norgenchewer is also known as Golden Leon and The Lion Prince of Time. He most probably originates from Faux Germany.

If you leave Norgenbait in the centre of your Present Portal on Norgen Eve, you may receive a visit from the Norgenchewer who will may bring you a gift for Norgenmorn.


The Legend of the Norgenchewer

The complete legend of the Norgenchewer is as follows (as written in traditional Norgenlore):

"Long ago an unfeasibly attractive hunter heard one of his traps go off in the woods. He snuck through the bushes and saw a huge golden lion caught in the trap with his paws over his face. The hunter, who was pretty rad and buff, was at first delighted with his catch, but then a little frightened, and also he kind of felt like a bit of a dick because the lion was very majestic. He figured he should free the lion, but was too scared/full and lethargic so he started to sneak away again.

Suddenly his hands began disappearing like Marty McFly playing guitar in the original and best Back to the Future movie. The further the man walked away from the lion, the more he began to fade away, so he ran back to the lion and began to free him. As soon as the trap was open the lion removed his paws to reveal the man's own face staring back at him!

The magical man-faced lion said, "I am you in the future, and if you had not saved me, you would have died" and then a glowing pink portal opened up and the lion ran away. The next morning the hunter turned into a magic lion and ran into the village to show everyone but they were nervous and weirded out, so he jumped into a portal and disappeared. Then the villagers felt bad because the hunter was always kind of cool. So to show everyone that he's actually a pretty rad and understanding dude the man-lion would show up throughout history bearing gifts and doing awesome things, but also sometimes eating children who were bad or overweight."

Norgenchewer artwork by Campbell Whyte.

Adventures Through Time

Being a handsome time-traveling entity with zero social conscience, the Norgenchewer has naturally taken advantage of his mystical abilities and created all manner of mischief throughout time. (Not to mention the occasional ruckus).

The true extent of the Norgenchewer's time travel adventures remain beyond our human ken, but the swarthy team at the International Lowemannzeit Preservation Foundation are always uncovering new information. The only thing we can ever be 100% sure of is that he has almost certainly, at various points in history, kicked the shit out of ninjas, vikings, dinosaurs, Spartans, and the Portuguese.

A rogue at heart, he has also had dalliances with a variety of famous historical women, such as: Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Lady Godiva, Marilyn Monroe and former US marine Bea Arthur.

At this point in time it is also believed that he:

  • Invented electricity and sliced bread. Further along in the future he will invent electric sliced bread.
  • Chased the snakes out of Ireland.
  • Shot Lincoln, Warhol, Kennedy (twice) Lennon, Greedo and Cobain.
  • Ate Tokyo.
  • Sunk Atlantis.
  • Impregnated Mary.
  • And parted the Red Sea.

Of course, messing with the time stream is extremely dangerous as witnessed first hand in the Norgenwars.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License